I am forever in awe of your whimsy, your history, and naturally, your overall entertainment factor. You are credited for making the famous be more than the normal people they always claim to be, and for making less than desirable people seem all the more attention worthy. One thing you are not, dear friend, is reliable. You are as reliable as an East Coast weatherman, always leaving me questioning the accuracy of your forecast. Unlike the weather, I cannot step out into you and feel things out for myself (that would be stalking and I just don’t have the time or resources to even want to do that). So, I sit here with several questions that need to be answered.
1) Is Kate Middleton really pregnant??
Being that Kate is my future BFF (wishful thinking at it’s finest), I should know this. I have found myself out of the regal loop of those privvy to such first-hand information. Blog after blog, tabloid after tabloid, source after source…they all continually claim that Kate is pregnant with a girl; a sister for George they all say!! Kate does not look pregnant. Granted, she is practically perfect in every way so no one by any means expects her to gain normal person pregnancy weight, but I need more than a peplum dress to convince me she has something hide. Like most others, I would love to believe this is true, but being that there has been no official royal decree I cannot start feeling new baby smitten just yet.
2) Are Katy Perry and John Mayer separated…again??
Entertainment sources all say that friends close to the couple have confirmed the split. I don’t want confirmation from friends. Who are these close friends telling Katy and John’s business anyway. I kind of want names (hashtag: no new friends). I need Katy or John to let us know what’s up. There was some magazine that predicted them to get engaged in 2014 (bear in mind they also predicted that one Olsen twin and her older beau to get engaged and they have since parted ways) so if they have really split this time let’s just get it out there so we can all move one. I think one report I read said something about a witness noticing John cringe when Katy touched him in public. Well, if we are being honest then I will admit that I cringe sometimes when the PR touches me in public. Now, this may not be an intentional cringe, it’s more of a “hey, I didn’t know you were about to touch me” cringe, or a “hey, I’m bloated, let’s not do this now” cringe. Who’s to say this so called “cringe” was out of disgust. Remember that ugly face Beyonce picture that circulated after her Super Bowl performance?? Do you really think that Beyonce looks like that everyday??! No. Thank you freeze frame photography, you never let us down. Well, you let Beyonce down but that’s besides the point. So, Katy, John, let us know what’s going on. If you are broken up I need to take your “Who You Love” music video off of the playlist at work, because it would all be lies.
So, Hollywood, in conclusion, you have your work cut out for you. I am insatiable today when it comes to my celebrity news bits. But, I will give credit where credit is due, I am highly excited about your official statements concerning both the engagements of Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher AND Troian Bellisario and Patrick J. Adams. That is some exciting stuff I can’t wait to watch unfold. SIdenote: Kim and Kanye are having a small Paris wedding?? What’s that I’m about. All I can think of in regards to that are Kanye and Jay-Z going “gorillas” (please tell me you understand that reference).
Someone who has too much time on her hands today (actually there’s things I need to be doing but I’ve decided to focus my attention to this instead) and needs to know private details about the lives of people I don’t even know, but would like to.