Seldom to I write to “vent”…Journaling went out of “style” for me when it was forced upon me by as a way to let off steam or deal with stress. I am not fond of being made to do things; I am, admittedly, a stubborn person, almost to a fault. And just as I am a stubborn person, I am a person of heart…I can be over-sensitive and emotional. I mean well with almost everything I do. 2 years ago I did not see myself working in the makeup/hair industry…dreamt of it, you bet; predicted it would be my job, hardly. It was something I explored with, something I dabbled with. When it became the rabbit hole I was falling down I was scared, who wouldn’t be. It was new…it was a position I was putting myself in to be easily judged by others. Growing up that was always a top fear of mine, being judged. I sat through all my years of high school and college fearing that all eyes were on me, constantly judging me with what could only be another person’s best assumption. So, I sought out the training I needed to become a professional in this industry. I worked for free, I worked when I didn’t want to work like any professional in any field typically does. I learned in my training to one day expect that one piece of negative criticism that didn’t sit well with you, that you are supposed to take what you can from it and still walk away knowing you are capable of the greatest things. Well, today when I heard that piece of criticism, which almost read as insulting in a way to me, I immediately felt defeated. All day I have walked around almost sick with disappointment that someone walked away feeling like they did as a result of something I did. No amount of positive thoughts generated was lifting the feeling of defeat from me, I couldn’t even cry, and if you know me, I am a crier!! So, I decided to look for the catharsis that has always supposed to come with writing. Why I chose to put this in a blog post I don’t know…especially considering the abundance of blank notebooks and journals that continuously find their way into my possession. Maybe it will be one of those situations where someone else who has ever felt defeated could perchance upon this and realize, yeah, we all have that moment.
Ever since the new year I made a promise to myself, not a resolution, a promise…you break a resolution and there is no personal accountability associated with it I feel, you break a promise…you have to hold yourself accountable. I don’t like when others break their promises to me, so why would I want to break one to myself. Whenever summer ends I almost immediately always fall into a hot mess funk, and it’s been this way ever since my dad unexpectedly passed away on 1-1-11. This “hot mess funk” usually lasts until the first week in January ends. Yes, it is depression. True sadness. I have sought help for this. Feeling sad and abandoned is a terrible feeling. I bottle it up as long as I can, then there’s usually a meltdown around Christmas, a lull, and then my “usual” self kicks in. My husband climbed on the “lets make a change” bandwagon with me, and when the first of the year kicked in, we made the changes. We’ve redecorated the house, we donated a TON of our clothes and are replacing them with better ones. My husband got a new job. I am slowly, but oh so surely, buying new, better product to give me clients the optimal experience with the most fantastic results. And the fact that change isn’t always instantaneous is unsettling for me, but things are changing for the better. I can only thank God up above that he is granting me the patience (although the patience wears thin at times) to allow these changes to take place. Change is scary, but when you know that it’s all for the better, you accept it.
So the criticism I received today, unsettling yes. Do I know that it’s a past incident? yes. Am I accepting it? I am. Does it still make me a little sick to my stomach? it does. It may be affecting my night (especially considering the week we’ve had around here), but I cannot let it affect things to come. I chose to do what I do, and I am choosing to make the changes I am making. I want to know I am doing things that my father (may he rest in peace) would be proud of. I could’ve taken my Bachelor’s degree, sat behind a desk and fiddled with spreadsheets all day, but that wasn’t the creative position I wanted. So, I cannot let anyone dull my sparkle now, considering I am guilty of diminishing my own sparkle at times. The warmer weather brings on change, and it was quite warm today. There are so many seminars, webinars, conventions, trade shows coming up. I want my sparkle to be quite luminescent (all cheesiness aside). I cannot confess all the changes that are being made, and some are certainly more exciting than others, but I have a great man to hold my hand in this journey, and God is good to let us have it together.
Here’s to falling further down the rabbit hole…